Now comes the really hard part. How do I recount this period of my life without misrepresenting what took place or glossing over the causes that led up to the eruption. That part will come but for now I think I will start with a series of questions I have never been able to find satisfactory answers for. I would like to think that I could learn from my mistakes, and in many cases I feel that I have been able to. In order to do that though it is important to be able to recognize exactly what the mistakes were and hopefully what caused them. Of course they say that "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus", so why should I ever think that I could understand what goes on in a woman's mind. I thought that I had put a good deal of effort into trying to do just that but I still fall short. Despite the books I have read and the training I have received, I still see things as a man and fall short of being able to truly see the feminine point of view. After thinking about the way I started out with this blog for a few days I have decided that it is time to get on with the effort. I will do my best to not sound overly dramatic or melancoly but after all I am still me.
- How do you live and share lifes experiences with someone for 30 years and still not recognize how they really feel about things?
- Am I the only one who truly remembers the good times that occurred over those 30 years?
- How do children who were taught not to drink and smoke all the time they were growing up wind up ruining their lives by adopting those very bad habits?
- Why do some people find it necessary to focus only on negative feelings and experiences?
- How do you determine the difference between abuse and an honest effort redirect a child's behavior?
- Is it possible to be deeply in love with someone for over half of your life and all of a sudden turn that off?
- Was I kidding myself to believe that I had a greater influence on my spouse than my children did?
- When is it alright to abandon eternal covenants and to replace them with resentment and hate?
- Why is it so hard to help others recognize how you really feel about things?
- Why are the most essential answers to our prayers the hardest to receive or recognize?
- How do you help someone who keeps asking for help but refuses to listen to the solutions you offer?
- Why do therapists think that listing everything you feel like you have lost will help you to get over it when it only makes the hurt more apparent and recognizable?
- Why is it that church leaders are so willing to support a sealing cancellation without a better attempt to understand the entire situation?
- Is it wrong for church leaders to just come and say that divorce is wrong and the parties involved need to find a way to resolve their differences?
- Why is so little thought given to the effect that divorce will have on the children involved ?
- Is there a better solution than divorce?
- When the church places so much emphasis on marriage and family how do you keep problems with one from affecting the other?
- Do we expect more from Heavenly Father for our efforts to do the right thing than is reasonable to expect?
- Why do blood relationships seem to be more important to some than eternal commitments?
- How do you recognize the difference between a situation where divorce is the only solution and one where more understanding and effort could resolve the problems?
- Why is it so hard to put it all behind and just chalk it up to experience?
- Does the passage of time help to resolve the issues or just cause them to dim in our memory?
- Is it important to continue working on resolving differences as part of the repentance process?
- What do I need to do differently to avoid finding myself in a similar situation in the future?
- How do I come to grips with what the real problems were and avoid being misled by false accusations or unwillingness to accept responsibility?
We moved into our second house in Spanish Fork in the spring of 1994. In the fourteen years since I have experienced some of the greatest highs of my life as well as the very worst low points. I suppose in the end they balance one another out but the extremes have taken their toll. Lake Powell has always been one of my most favorite places on earth and I have shared it will a number of different people during that period. The weeks spent their were perhaps the most enjoyable I have ever had. I never grow tired of the beauty and solitude that it offers as well as the opportunity for good wholesome fun. Perhaps the longest day of my life was spent driving back from Denver with my wife at the time and three of my grandkids. An innocent disagreement as we left Denver turned into an endless tirade of belittleing comments and derision from my wife for the whole trip. How does a person tell you one day that they love you and then the next day insist that you are nothing but a worthless human being? I finally can say that I know what a shrew is?
After fighting for over four years to allow Nathan some choice in where he would live and what he would do in life I was exhauseted. When I finally won and he came to live with me, the situation at home deteriated. He had given up hope of being given a say in his life. When he finally got a little freedom, he used it to make poor choices. I was at an extremely low point in life. I wasn't sure that I could take much more. Then, after coming to the conclusion that divorce was indeed the only solution to the stituation I was faced with I found myself being the one who was pushing the issue. When the divorce was final, I only felt relief at not having to face the daily verbal assault. Despite the two attempts I had made at marriage which resulted in similar ends I couldn't help but feel like I would be better off being married. Then I had the good fortune of meeting Brenda.
She has helped to restore my faith in marriage and in having a close relationship with someone that you truly care about. Her calm, even tempered disposition is like ointment to old wounds. I look forward to coming home and spending time with her. We have been able to share some truly wonderful experiences during the past four years. Our cruise to Alaska, the trips to Lake Powell with friends and the trip we made with her kids and their spouses. The trip to Yellowstone and back East to spend time with Matt and his Family. Exploring Washington DC and taking her to Michigan to see past friends and places. I feel truly blessed to be able to wake up in the morning and know that each day holds a new adventure with someone that I care deeply about. Her family has been accepting of me and she has had the opportunity to spend time with each of my sons and get to know them better. She sets a good example and provides needed counsel and support. Despite all of the nagging doubts and unresolved feelings of others which I seem unable to resolve; life moves on in a positive and productive way. I look forward to longtime relationships with those who choose to have one with me and to those who don't I am sorry for that and if it is my fault I sincerely apologize.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Who has time to blog when you have to work for a living?
It was fun to blog on a regular basis while I was off from work recovering from my knee surgery but I find it very difficult to find time to get it done now. The fact that they called me to be the Executive Secretary in the Ward doesn't help with that either. Since I have every other Friday off and Brenda went camping with her kids, I figured I better take advantage of the opportunity to post again. When we last met our family was on the way to Utah and the new adventures that awaited us there. In retrospect it turned out to be both a good move and a questionable one as well. I love Utah but having grown up here I suppose that I am somewhat prejudiced. Most of my sons however don't seem to have benefitted from the move. Their activity in and attitude about the Church has taken a real hit. The move may not be at fault but it is very easy to find and identify with church members who have lost their testimony here where it was hard to find them in Michigan since they blended into the general population. Of course an unwarranted divorce didn't help much either. That one monumental act has certainly taken it's toll. That having been said I would like to try and focus on the good times that have occurred since that move in Oct of 1988.
-moving into a beautiful home in Spanish Fork that my parents had built as they prepared to go on a mission.
-learning how to build valves as I worked for Valtek for four years
-the chance to ride my bike to work instead of commuting for 45 minutes each way
-being called to serve as the financial clerk in the Spanish Fork 2nd Ward
-living closer to my family which allowed us to get together more often
-again being able to look up and see the mountains which I missed so much in Michigan
-sending our son Matt on a mission to England -little did I realize at the time that a future son-in-law would be the product of those missionaries in England or that another son-in-law also served his mission there
- after completing his mission in California we added a daughter to our family when Tony found a terrific young lady and got married in the Manti Temple
-the arrival of our first granddaughter, a beautiful girl with dark hair and eyes named Chelsea
-having the opportunity to train for and receive my Utah Realtor's license
-building my real estate business to a point where I could hope to rely on that as an occupation when it appeared that I might be laid off from Valtek
-the opportunity to work with my wife in earning a living for the family
-adding a second daughter to our family when Matt found a first class young lady from the Denver area to marry in the Denver temple
-another granddaughter and our first grandson when Tony had his second daughter(Rachael) and Matt had a little boy (Madsen)
-entering into an agreement with Susan's sisters family to jointly buy a share in a houseboat at Lake Powell which allowed us to spend many wonderful weeks enjoying the unique beauty and fun that occurred there
-again having a pool in the backyard that enhanced our families love for the water and allowed us many relaxing hours there
-discovering a house for sale that sat on an acre of ground in the middle of a subdivision. It was as close as we could come to our situation in Michgan. But this time it was right there within walking distance of shopping, church and other activities.
-in 1994 working out a deal with the owners to purchase this little island of privacy and again it was time to move
Our family can't be accused of living in any one place for too long although we did spend almost ten years on our acreage in Michigan. By this time I should have been proficient at moving but getting the food storage up out of the basement was almost more than I could handle. The move was only less than a mile but it took us at least two weeks to complete. We were lucky that the mortician who lived a few doors down was looking for a new home and decided to buy ours. He was also more flexible than usual about the time frame for him to move in. It was a little older than the home we left but had more room and we loved the fruit trees and the privacy it provided. But alas, as is the case in life the good times don't seem to go on forever.
-moving into a beautiful home in Spanish Fork that my parents had built as they prepared to go on a mission.
-learning how to build valves as I worked for Valtek for four years
-the chance to ride my bike to work instead of commuting for 45 minutes each way
-being called to serve as the financial clerk in the Spanish Fork 2nd Ward
-living closer to my family which allowed us to get together more often
-again being able to look up and see the mountains which I missed so much in Michigan
-sending our son Matt on a mission to England -little did I realize at the time that a future son-in-law would be the product of those missionaries in England or that another son-in-law also served his mission there
- after completing his mission in California we added a daughter to our family when Tony found a terrific young lady and got married in the Manti Temple
-the arrival of our first granddaughter, a beautiful girl with dark hair and eyes named Chelsea
-having the opportunity to train for and receive my Utah Realtor's license
-building my real estate business to a point where I could hope to rely on that as an occupation when it appeared that I might be laid off from Valtek
-the opportunity to work with my wife in earning a living for the family
-adding a second daughter to our family when Matt found a first class young lady from the Denver area to marry in the Denver temple
-another granddaughter and our first grandson when Tony had his second daughter(Rachael) and Matt had a little boy (Madsen)
-entering into an agreement with Susan's sisters family to jointly buy a share in a houseboat at Lake Powell which allowed us to spend many wonderful weeks enjoying the unique beauty and fun that occurred there
-again having a pool in the backyard that enhanced our families love for the water and allowed us many relaxing hours there
-discovering a house for sale that sat on an acre of ground in the middle of a subdivision. It was as close as we could come to our situation in Michgan. But this time it was right there within walking distance of shopping, church and other activities.
-in 1994 working out a deal with the owners to purchase this little island of privacy and again it was time to move
Our family can't be accused of living in any one place for too long although we did spend almost ten years on our acreage in Michigan. By this time I should have been proficient at moving but getting the food storage up out of the basement was almost more than I could handle. The move was only less than a mile but it took us at least two weeks to complete. We were lucky that the mortician who lived a few doors down was looking for a new home and decided to buy ours. He was also more flexible than usual about the time frame for him to move in. It was a little older than the home we left but had more room and we loved the fruit trees and the privacy it provided. But alas, as is the case in life the good times don't seem to go on forever.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
So much for Philosophic thoughts, now back to the "good times"
Picking up where I previously left off, we finallymoved into our new home on the hill in the spring of 1979. I apologize for having put 1989 in my previous blog. Moving into a new home can be an exciting adventure but it can also bring along with it some new problems. Our biggest problem was the builder because he defaulted on our agreement and left many details undone. Our construction loan was set up to pay him draws upon completion of certain portions of the home. He got to the point where there was still 10% of the money to receive and decided that he wanted the money up front, before he finished the few things he had left to do. We refused, along with the bank, and so he simply quit working on the house. Most of the things we could do ourselves but the bank wouldn't release the money to us either without the builders approval. So we were stuck in a mess. Finally three lawyers later we got the money released but most of it went to pay the lawyers. We managed to finish the things that needed done over a period of time and luckily didn't have any major problems with the house itself. Was this one of the good times? It certainly was when we finally got it all resolved and could put it behind us to move on. But the really good times were many and provided us with some of our most memorable moments. Following are a few of the highlights of the next 9 years we spent living in our home.
-living out in the woods, where you could see the stars at night and the loudest noises were the birds in the trees.
-coming home from work to our very own camping spot complete with a furnished home to "camp out in"
-having a huge fan in the ceiling that vented the house and kept the hot humid air moving in the summer
-sitting by the fire place on a cold winter night
-chopping and splitting wood with my sons
-eating fresh raspberries out of our own garden, all summer long
-taking a cool dip in the pool out back before going to bed at night or after a long days work
-sitting at the table in the kitchen and watching the deer eat apples out of our trees
-cutting our own christmas tree that was so big we had to stand in the loft to decorate the top half
-welcoming sons number four, five and six ( Chris, Ben & Nathan) into the family and having my mom come to visit for a week so that she could help out with the newborns.
-being asked by the branch president to teach home study seminary
-after countless hours of pruning and spraying, harvesting enough apples to take to the cider mill and wind up with 100 gallons of cider
-riding the tractor around the property and cutting down everything that grew with the bush hog attached to the back.
-having the privilege of serving in the Bishopric for seven years including 4 as the Bishop.
-the temple trips with the Faleschini's, Mourdoks, Skidmore's, Aeschliman's, Murdocks, Raethers, Philburns and many others from the Howell Ward, usually over the Easter and Thanksgiving weekends
-the hours spent in the presence of Bishop Faleschini, Bishop Jones, brother Mourdock and brother Skidmore as we pondered the affairs of the ward and I learned how to be a better Priesthood holder.
- the annual ward parties held at the Raethers where we harvested the fresh corn from the field and ate all we could hold
- the annual parties at the Philburns where we all had great fun in the pond
- the opportunity that I had to go into business with Jim Philburn and to run Tram Tool ( a machine shop in Fenton MI)
- a home teacher who helped me complete a project when I needed help
- working at numerous different shops where I learned new skills and got involved in different aspects of my work such as field service, engineering and drafting
- countless Sunday afternoons spent at Susan's sisters house eating strawberry crepes and visiting with the family
- numerous fast and testimony meetings where I heard some of the best testimonies I have ever heard, many from the new converts to the church
- Having the two oldest sons ( Tony & Matt ) graduate from high school at Pinckney High
- Having Tony go on a mission to Arcadia California and Matt submit his papers to go
- Ordaining Tony, Matt and Brian to the Aaronic Priesthood and Tony to the Melchizedek Priesthood
- Participating in the decisions involving the construction of a brand new chapel for the Howell Ward
- Watching the branch we first belonged to grow into a ward in large part through convert baptisms in the area. People such as Sam Skidmore, Annie Blaine and later her husband, the Parker family, the Wolf family, who became stalwarts in the ward and now there are two wards in the old area.
- Associating with President Laws and General Authorities such as Jacob deJaeger, A. Theodore Tuttle and others in training meetings
-the opportunity to attend an area conference with President Spencer W. Kimball in Crisler Arena on the University of Michigan campus. At the end of the meeting there wasn't a dry eye in the place when we sang "Till we meet again" and "We thank thee O God for a Prophet" It wasn't long after that when he passed away. I still tear up when I am singing the song and think about the occassion.
- hours spent at Lake Chemung involved in boat races and water skiing
- the sense of relief along with a sense of loss that I got when I was released as Bishop
- the unbelievable support we got from friends and members of the ward when at last it was time for us to move on
These are just a few of the highlights of this time in my life. When I think back on it and weigh all of the factors; I think that perhaps this may have been the best 9 years of my life. I accomplished more good, met more friends, had more learning experiences and grew as a person more than at any other time in my life. I have a truly wonderful wife now and I am very happy in my current situation. It is just occurring at a different point in my life and I don't find myself experiencing all of the growth, change and significant events that I did then. In life we learn to deal with the hand that we are dealt and I have been truly blessed to find myself where I am now and married to the lady who is my wife. Without having found her I couldn't be where I am today. So from that perspective, now is indeed one of the better"good times" in my life.
-living out in the woods, where you could see the stars at night and the loudest noises were the birds in the trees.
-coming home from work to our very own camping spot complete with a furnished home to "camp out in"
-having a huge fan in the ceiling that vented the house and kept the hot humid air moving in the summer
-sitting by the fire place on a cold winter night
-chopping and splitting wood with my sons
-eating fresh raspberries out of our own garden, all summer long
-taking a cool dip in the pool out back before going to bed at night or after a long days work
-sitting at the table in the kitchen and watching the deer eat apples out of our trees
-cutting our own christmas tree that was so big we had to stand in the loft to decorate the top half
-welcoming sons number four, five and six ( Chris, Ben & Nathan) into the family and having my mom come to visit for a week so that she could help out with the newborns.
-being asked by the branch president to teach home study seminary
-after countless hours of pruning and spraying, harvesting enough apples to take to the cider mill and wind up with 100 gallons of cider
-riding the tractor around the property and cutting down everything that grew with the bush hog attached to the back.
-having the privilege of serving in the Bishopric for seven years including 4 as the Bishop.
-the temple trips with the Faleschini's, Mourdoks, Skidmore's, Aeschliman's, Murdocks, Raethers, Philburns and many others from the Howell Ward, usually over the Easter and Thanksgiving weekends
-the hours spent in the presence of Bishop Faleschini, Bishop Jones, brother Mourdock and brother Skidmore as we pondered the affairs of the ward and I learned how to be a better Priesthood holder.
- the annual ward parties held at the Raethers where we harvested the fresh corn from the field and ate all we could hold
- the annual parties at the Philburns where we all had great fun in the pond
- the opportunity that I had to go into business with Jim Philburn and to run Tram Tool ( a machine shop in Fenton MI)
- a home teacher who helped me complete a project when I needed help
- working at numerous different shops where I learned new skills and got involved in different aspects of my work such as field service, engineering and drafting
- countless Sunday afternoons spent at Susan's sisters house eating strawberry crepes and visiting with the family
- numerous fast and testimony meetings where I heard some of the best testimonies I have ever heard, many from the new converts to the church
- Having the two oldest sons ( Tony & Matt ) graduate from high school at Pinckney High
- Having Tony go on a mission to Arcadia California and Matt submit his papers to go
- Ordaining Tony, Matt and Brian to the Aaronic Priesthood and Tony to the Melchizedek Priesthood
- Participating in the decisions involving the construction of a brand new chapel for the Howell Ward
- Watching the branch we first belonged to grow into a ward in large part through convert baptisms in the area. People such as Sam Skidmore, Annie Blaine and later her husband, the Parker family, the Wolf family, who became stalwarts in the ward and now there are two wards in the old area.
- Associating with President Laws and General Authorities such as Jacob deJaeger, A. Theodore Tuttle and others in training meetings
-the opportunity to attend an area conference with President Spencer W. Kimball in Crisler Arena on the University of Michigan campus. At the end of the meeting there wasn't a dry eye in the place when we sang "Till we meet again" and "We thank thee O God for a Prophet" It wasn't long after that when he passed away. I still tear up when I am singing the song and think about the occassion.
- hours spent at Lake Chemung involved in boat races and water skiing
- the sense of relief along with a sense of loss that I got when I was released as Bishop
- the unbelievable support we got from friends and members of the ward when at last it was time for us to move on
These are just a few of the highlights of this time in my life. When I think back on it and weigh all of the factors; I think that perhaps this may have been the best 9 years of my life. I accomplished more good, met more friends, had more learning experiences and grew as a person more than at any other time in my life. I have a truly wonderful wife now and I am very happy in my current situation. It is just occurring at a different point in my life and I don't find myself experiencing all of the growth, change and significant events that I did then. In life we learn to deal with the hand that we are dealt and I have been truly blessed to find myself where I am now and married to the lady who is my wife. Without having found her I couldn't be where I am today. So from that perspective, now is indeed one of the better"good times" in my life.
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